Fire Dog Week by Dickens

This week has been the best of times. It has been the worst of times. So, same as always.

Will, though he’s been sleeping well recently, woke up in the middle of the night. I don’t wake up easily, and Nathan is on automatic pilot at that time of night. He brought Will back to sleep with us for the last few hours of slumber. I vaguely remember Will arriving but it didn’t really wake me. As the morning light spread across the room, I awoke for a minute and saw Will begin to stir. Thinking quickly, I immediately played ‘possum; if he sees that he’s supposed to still be sleeping, maybe he’ll just turn over and go back to sleep. However, I saw him stretch his toes and that is the universal sign for “I”m waking up now.” I stuck to my plan and kept my eyes closed even as he sat up. I stole a peek through my lashes and hoped he didn’t catch me. Then, as I lay there, eyes closed and Will not making a noise, he silently leaned his head to mine and sweetly kissed my cheek. My eyes sprung open and he kissed me again. It was the best way to wake up ever. I still said nothing and he leaned over and gave his daddy a kiss on his cheek, too. It was the best of times.

On Saturday we walked up to the UK campus for Lemonade on the Lawn. It was a wonderful spring evening with some delightful music at the amphitheater. That is until Carter began to be moved by the music. It started out subtly with him sitting and tapping his knee to the beat. Then, he laid down and continued to keep time on his knee. However, without warning, Carter became so moved that he rose to his feet and began undulating his entire body to the beat - though it was to his parents embarrassment, the crowd seemed greatly entertained by his performance. Oh, that it had ended there. No, he decided to play his air guitar as our friend Chelsea sang down front. I told Nathan that Carter was distracting from the performers and he just laughed. He later mingled with others in the audience and entertained them as well. Where does he get it?

Today, however, has been tougher. Nathan discovered that Carter sneaked off with an entire roll of Rollos. He was therefore punished with no chocolate, no candy, nor any ice cream for a solid week. Whew. Then somehow this afternoon, he lost television privileges. He tried to sneak some chocolate chips again and even more punishment was levied. Yet, he turned it around when I said that I had asked if he could be helper to earn some one dessert a day. Dessert is Carter’s currency. He didn’t really miss the tv. He began to help me out as much as he could. I asked if he could bring the telephone to me and he did so with a bow and a “I’m at your service.” I had to laugh. He worked on his math book Papa gave him, and he did some counting and reading with his Leappad. He picked up toys. He was an angel. He told me, “Mama, I’m like a fire dog.” I didn’t really understand and kind of let him know I wasn’t following. “Well, you know how the fire dog only gets treats when he does something good? That’s like me. I do good things and I can earn treats.”’ I told him that was very astute. He let me know that he didn’t know what astute meant. The ability to accurately assess a situation (OED). Yep, Carter is astute.

Last night, Nathan took the family to see The Blue Man group. Carter loved it. Not because of the incredible visual artistry. Not because of the fantastic drumming. Not because of the acute humor. No, Carter wants to go again because they threw marshmallows out into the audience and he got to eat one. Oh, AND they shot streamers out over the crowd and he returned with a small hill of it.

Now that I think about it, it was probably mostly the best of times.

I never promised you a bed of roses

I vaguely remember a country song from when I was little that said "I beg your pardon. I never promised you a rose garden." I also remember my mother quoting it to me from time to time when things didn't go my way or seemed harder than I felt was necessary. This phrase is kind of Biblical. God doesn't promise an easy life. Actually, I think he promises us just the opposite.

These past few weeks have been pretty wild and woolly for our family. Mimi checked into the hospital to have her pacemaker replaced. Papa and Aunt Eva moved into our house. Nathan flew off to Hong Kong and returned for 36 hours then flew back out to Trinidad. I figured the only way we were going to survive would be to adhere to a strict schedule. So, I began to plan out how these 10 days of upheaval would go. Strict meal times, bed times, and frequent activities. That lasted about 1 day. Maybe 1 day. Which actually wasn't so bad because the kids were doing great. Listening and obeying and being helpful. I thought "well, this is going to be a breeze." Just after this thought emanated from my brain, just like a house of cards, the order of our house began to collapse.

First, the boys would ransack a room and leave it. After twice, I began to lose my cool. I thought the weather warming up would be the solution but then they would go outside and drag their toys in trails out there. Of course, the nice weather was short-lived. I was left to pick up toys in the backyard, in the dark, before the rain began. After the rain, Carter figured out how to open the garage, so there was a trail of those toys leading into the yard. The weather became an official cold snap and Carter had his first soccer game which he refused to participate in. I have to admit it was too cold for me. We sat all huddled up trying to keep warm. I kept trying to encourage him to go in and run around and he'd warm up, but he refused. However, he loves his new uniform. His team is black and he happily announced "I makes me look like Dark Vader!" He, therefore, wants Will and me to wear white so that we can be "stoom troopers." Carter and I have been bonding during Star Wars Sundays on Spike tv. One would think that I would own the entire double trilogy, but I don't. Just the last three which were really the first three. Carter sits riveted to the tv as Luke and his friends battle the Evil Empire and free the galaxy.

As my patience was waned, Carter has shown great patience with me. He hasn't lost his temper or even seemed upset. Of course, when you're upset with someone and they stay calm it only makes you angrier. Especially when it's a 5 year old. I'll be happy when he grows out of his current phase. He is clearly testing the limits to see where he stands. God will have to show us, his parents, and extra portion of mercy as we figure out how to deal with his developing independence and confidence.

As we were driving down the road a few nights ago, Carter announced to me that he likes 3 things: Candy, Girls, and Cats. I kind of wanted to laugh but was pretty insulted that his family wasn't on the list. I questioned him "What about God" trying to prod him into more acceptable priorities. He said "I said like; I love God. God is number 1." Oh, okay. Still no mention of his family. "What about your family?" "Well, okay, I'll put you at 10." I was then feeling the insult and told him 10 seemed awfully low for family when candy, girls, and cats didn't feed, clothe, and take care of him. In a blantant effort to just get me to be quiet he said , "Alright, 16, I'll put you at 16." Then I had to laugh. I negotiated myself even lower.

Watching Will is a lot of fun. He loves it when Nathan rolls Will's car window up and down. He'll just die laughing and that makes us laugh and do it more. He'll climb up on my bed at night and snuggle right up next to me in the sweetest, most loving way that will make you want him to never grow up. He is beginning to like giving hugs and kisses. As we would leave Mimi's hospital room, I would ask him to give her a hug and kiss and sure enough, he'd trot right over to her and plant one on her. She was enamored every time. He's so charming. His vocabulary grows as we read and read. Yesterday he said orange. Orange. I love to hear him call our names and listen to him ramble on in his own language. Last Friday, he laid a sentence on me and I was so shocked to hear multiple words strung together I said "excuse me? What did you say?" I really thought he'd said something I should have recognized. He's still a climber, but he gets it out on the club house in the back yard. Except that he won't slide down unless I hold his hand. I can't blame him really; it shoots him out across the yard and he lands with a thud. So, he goes out back with Carter, he climbs up and plays for awhile. I'll hear "ma-ma! Ma-ma!" I walk out there, hold his hand and he slides down. They could play out there all day it seems.

Finally, Carter told me about something that happened to him at school that made him mad. He explained it with such passion. I asked him what he said to the kids or Mrs. Barlow and he replied "I got mad in my head. I didn't say anything. I was thinking it in my head." Impressive.

Birthday Parties, Billy Graham, & an Ideal Older Brother

Oh my, have we had birthday parties. Carter got his Golden Corral birthday party. His Mimi and Doc, Aunt Katie and Alan, Aunt Eva, Mimi and Papa, Daddy, Mama and Will were all there. Carter was so excited to get to eat whatever he wanted. Carter showed everyone to where they should sit and eagerly opened his presents. He got to pick out 6 different desserts, each with a candle - that's 5 and one to grow on.


Then, when he got home, Mr. Kelley came over and Daddy helped him put up his swings attachment to his clubhouse. Mimi and Papa got the clubhouse for his birthday last year and this year they provided the swings. It was like Christmas all over again, but possible better since he was the sole center of attention. He and Will have played outside on it every single day since last Saturday. They love it. Will's not so sure about the swing, but I'm sure he'll come around. We all took a turn on the swings. First me, then Daddy, and the Mr. Kelley. What a wonderful feeling to swing.


His birthday happened to coincide with Spring Break. That meant that he got to celebrate even some more at school this week. Each child may bring special napkins for lunch the day they celebrate their birthday. Then they get some special treats from their teachers. Nathan took him to the party store to pick out his special Birthday napkins for class. I admit that I kind of wondered what they would return with because Nathan always has money saving ideas for every project. He had already tortured me with saying "What about Chick-Fil-A napkins?" Many more suggestions were offered until I finally made it clear that we could easily afford two packages of napkins. But I still prepared myself for what they would return with.

I was shopping with Will when they picked me up. Nathan said "just wait until you see the great napkins Carter picked out." See, all kinds of red flags went up. I knew it was a story. I started to question Nathan but he insisted "Carter picked them out -all-by-himself. Just wait." I climbed in the car and looked inside the bag. There was a large package of white napkins with a stained glass cross on them. Under the cross was the word "Communion." I was pretty confused. Nathan could tell there were thousands of questions running through my head so he started explaining, "We looked at every napkin in there. He didn't want Lightnin' McQueen because someone had already brought those, and Spiderman, and all the others. He saw these and liked them. He asked me what it said and I told him and explained what it meant. Then he said 'Kids can't read that anyway, right?'" I started chuckling and told Carter the napkins were beautiful.

So, now I had to take these napkins in and wonder if his teacher and classmates were going to think he was crazy. I walked him and assured his teacher that he picked him out all by himself. She smiled as though she'd seen it all. Will and I traveled on down the hall to the office to drop off tuition and as we returned I glanced in the room and his teacher said "They fit him." What? What did that mean? I could only imagine why his teacher would think that a stained glass cross with the word communion on it would fit Carter. So, then today, she told me that yesterday at their staff meeting the Pastor prayed for the workers and said "please be with these ladies because we don't know if one of these children might be the next Billy Graham." Once the prayer was over, Mrs. Barlow and Mrs. Cooper looked at each other and said "Carter." I smiled and asked "Has he been evangelizing again?" She shook her head and smiled affectionately and said "No. It's the way he thinks about things." My little theologian.

Through all of this, Will keeps on trucking. He says so many things now its amazing and he makes it obvious that he fully understands what we say. He's strong willed, but affectionate, funny, and loves animals. He loves to have books read to him and could sit for hours if someone would continually read to him. His favorite are Curious George, which he calls Coco becauase that is how it is in his German version his daddy brought him from Switzerland. So, we read a lot about Coco. These books have like 50 pages in them and that is NO exaggeration. I push "Goodnight Moon" and short books like that where we can point at things. But no. He drags yellow-backed books to me and sweetly says "Coco. Coco." I refused to read to him today as we were getting Nathan ready to fly out to Hong Kong. I felt bad but it had to be done. Carter said "come on Will. I'll read to you." Carter picked up Curious George and the Ice Cream Parlor and he "read" the whole thing to him!! He has the book memorized almost word for word! Nathan and I just sat amazed. Nathan said "He has that book memorized better than I can read it!" He read two more Coco books to him. What a great big brother.

Flowy

Trying to explain to a five year old that his birthday is Wednesday but we are celebrating it on Saturday just doesn't compute. No matter how I tried to attack it, he scrunched his face up, crossed his arms and reminded me that "today is MY birthday." So, with Nathan in New Jersey, I figured some small fun would be in order to keep the peace and pass the time.

After taking it easy for the morning, we headed out to the McDonald's with the big playland for lunch. He was thrilled to get a Happy Meal and play for almost as long as he wanted. There were some older kids preventing him from access to the space ship, which stirred my Harlan County roots (a.k.a. getting Harlan County on someone as in "I'm about to get Harlan County on him"). I hate to bring out the big guns on small children, but it was his birthday and I don't really care if 6 year olds, who I don't know, don't like me.

After wrapping up the McDonald's fun, we headed to the locally owned pet store. Carter received a coupon for a free goldfish at school and was eager to cash it in on his first pet. We had told him for his birthday we would go pick it out. Nathan was skeptical; he warned that this was a 99 cent fish that would cost 15 dollars in equipment. He was so wrong. It was a 25 cent fish and cost 23 dollars in equipment. But the pure joy on Carter's face was truly worth it.

When we first entered the pet store, the boys were so excited to see all the puppies, birds, bunnies, mice, rats, and fish. They had a great time just walking around and looking at them, but Carter was especially drawn to the aquarium room. We spotted most of the cast of "Finding Nemo" and even some interesting glowing fellows swimming around. Once I felt we had sufficiently explored the store, we wrangled a clerk to help us get Flowy - Carter's predesignated name for his fish. Jamie was so sweet. She knew just what to say to a 5 year old boy on his birthday and she gave us taught us how to take care of Flowy. As it turns out, Flowy wasn't going to be too much trouble at all. We went back to the tank and she asked Carte which one he wanted and he pointed to a generic looking gold fish. I asked if he was sure he didn't want one of the pretty ones with unusual markings. He shrugged and said "it didn't matter." I should have really gone with the generic gold one, but I have a thing for needing to be different, apparently even if it's my son's goldfish. Jamie pointed out a beautiful, white fish, with just some black and orange on the top of it's head and on it's tail fin. Flowy sure was a pretty fish. We came home and began preparation of Flowy's new watery home. I followed the instructions exactly. Flowy was released at last into her new bowl and I coudn't help but notice, Flowy didn't look too good. She stayed at the bottom of the bowl and seemed to languish. I was worried about her, but I had cupcakes and icing to make.

Once they were done, I packed the boys up to we drove down to Mimi and Doc's house to celebrate both Carter's and Mimi's birthday. I gently tappped Flowy's bowl and go little response. I hoped that she would be okay as I figured we would end up spending the night at Mimi and Doc's.

We had a great birthday time at Doc and Mimi's. We ate chocolate chip pancakes and bacon and fresh strawberries and many other good foods for supper. We blew out candles and ate cupcakes and Carter opened his huge present from Mimi and Doc. It was much too late and we ended up spending the night, just as I anticipated.

The next morning it was time to rush to the airport to pick up Nathan. While sitting by the baggage claim door, Rick Pitino walked out right in front of us. He was in town for a highly publicized funeral. I had a strong urge to open the door and speak to him, but since nothing witty came to mind, I just watched him step into a large SUV with UofL tags and stickers all over it and drive off.

We had a joyous reunion with Nathan and headed home. As we pulled in the driveway, I was worried about how we would find Flowy. Last night, she was not dealing well with her new surroundings. Sure enough, Flowy was not well. She was permanently hanging out on the bottom of the bowl. Carter stuck his face to the side of the bowl and spoke to her in the sweetest, most comforting voice, "Flowy, are you okay? Do you feel bad? It's okay. We're gonna take good care of you." I had tears rising in my eyes and figured that a quick trip to the "fish doctor" was in order. I think he may have been praying for her and that was more than this mother could handle. I collected Flowy and announced that she and I had to go to the doctor right away. Carter asked if he could also go and I told him that he needed to stay with his Daddy and help out with Will. He was watching "The Little Mermaid" (which will have to be a whole different blog subject) and so didn't fight it.

I drove the long drive to the "fish doctor" and returned home with Flowy doing much better. Carter and Nathan came over to look at her and Nathan asked "what did the doctor do?" I told them that the doctor gave Flowy some orange medicine that made her turn more orange than she used to be, which was good because that meant she was feeling better. As we re-prepared the bowl and then let her into the water, she swam around and seemed much better. Carter was elated. He talked to her for about five minutes telling her how happy he was that she was feeling better. He came over to me and said so sincerely "Thank you, Mama, for saving Flowy's life."

As I crossed the living room, I saw one of Carter's Brown Bucks sitting on the chair. He gets these for being helpful around the house. I asked him what he had done to get a Brown Buck. "Oh, I got that out for you to take to the Doctor for Flowy." It was his hard earned Brown Buck from his bank. So I guess two trips to the pet store on the other side of town and 23 dollars and some change for supplies gave me more joy than Carter will ever get from Flowy.

Before he went to bed, Carter got out his magnadoodle and wrote out "mama, i luv u xxx ooo" and drew some hearts. He sounded it out by himself. What a sweet kid.

April 1, 2003

I remember this very day five years ago as though it were yesterday. I had been sitting on our couch since the Thursday before waiting to go into labor. My due date was April 2, but the doctor had said the baby was so big that I would go into labor well before my due date. And here I sat, April 1st with no clear indication that this baby would be exiting my body any time soon. I sat on the couch and watched the yard workers resod the lawn across the street. I sat on the couch and wondered what my coworkers were doing. I just sat on the couch. It was a beautiful day and I figured it was time for me to get a bag together for the hospital since this huge fellow had to come out eventually and clearly I had nothing better to do. I got out my list of things needed for a successful hospital stay compiled by helpful pregnancy books and gathered the items into my bag. There were a few items missing and as it was actually warm enough to walk without a jacket, so I slowly waddled down the street and around the corner to the drug store. Lip balm - check. Lifesavers - check. And maybe a piece of chocolate just because - check. As I stood in line to pay, I felt a contraction. Though it was nothing new, it was pretty intense. I began my waddling home and as I turned the corner, another contraction and a strange feeling. I was pretty sure my water hadn’t broken, but something was afoot.

About a hundred yards later, I was at home and having another contraction. I had a pretty good idea that this was it. He was on his way out and I was in for a long night. I called my mother for her counsel and she informed me that I was in labor. It was now 4:30 p.m. and I got my ironman watch and a pad of paper and pen to keep track of the contraction. I surrounded myself with pregnancy books and poured over the labor and delivery parts.

An hour and fifteen minutes later, Nathan walked through the front door all smiles while I’m sure I looked petrified. I immediately announced “I have had...(consulting tick sheet) 8 contraction in the last hour and fifteen minutes. That means I’m having them about every ten minutes. That means I’m having this baby.” Strangely, Nathan seemed underwhelmed. He’s a pretty exuberant kind of guy and I expected him to jump up and click his heels or give a rebel yell or something. Nope. He just said, “Okay, would you like me to get you something to eat?” I thought perhaps he didn’t hear me so I said, “Uh, there’s a baby trying to get out of my body and he’s huge, so no I don’t want anything to eat.” I had read that it’s not a good idea to eat once you’ve started contractions in the unlikely event that you might need a c-section. I was pretty sure it wasn’t so unlikely for me.

As the evening passed, the contraction began to get closer together but only slightly more intense. Still, Nathan proceeded as though he was going to take me in to have my teeth cleaned rather than remove another human being from my insides. Near 11:00 p.m., (6 hours) I decided it was time for us to find out how often I was having contractions. I gave Nathan the ironman and he was to tell me the time and write it down. These contractions were getting pretty intense and it was difficult for me to relax in between them. Also, I was growing increasingly annoyed with Nathan who was falling asleep in between. The anticipation of the next contraction kept me agonizing for the five minutes in between. That’s right, they were now 6 minutes apart. So at midnight (7 hours), Nathan revived enough to call the hospital and ask them if I should go ahead and come in. The nurse cautioned us that if I’m not dilated enough, they’d just send me home and that it’s best to do this early labor at home. We tried to get some description to figure out when I’d likely be dilated enough. Her words: “When it feels like you can’t take it any more.” Well, they weren’t that bad yet.

All through the night, I continued to have contractions. I was able to sleep a couple of hours in the early morning due to sheer exhaustion. I woke up mid-morning and Nathan called Dr. Hamilton’s office. It was Wednesday now, which is clinic day, and he was completely booked but wanted me to come in to check me to see what was going on. I took a quick shower because I had a feeling the next shower was going to be even less comfortable. I put on my bright pink Polo loaned to me by S-J and my wonderful black Gap pants loaned to me by Lena. I called my mom to tell her what was going on and she said “We’re packed and headed up there as soon as your daddy gets out of court!”

Then I climbed into the car and gingerly sat into the passenger seat. It was colder today but bright and sunny as we drove the few miles to the doctor’s office. As I walked in, the familiar faces at the front desk exclaimed “WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE? YOU ARE CLEARLY IN LABOR! GO TO THE HOSPITAL!” I laughed even though I was disappointed I wasn't hiding the pain better and said Dr. Hamilton wanted to check me and I wanted him to. The ladies laughed and said “That’s a crazy man for you. You are having that baby honey.” Since every single exam room was full they cleaned out a room for me to be checked and Dr. Hamilton rushed in, checked me and said I was dilated 4 cm and needed to head directly to the hospital. He would come over at lunch to break my water.

As we drove down Harrodsburg Road, Nathan said we needed some film for the camera and he stopped at the drugstore. He seemed to be inside for an eternity. Still, he didn’t seem to understand the urgency of the situation. He then announced that he was going to stop at Chick-fil-a because “it might be a long time before I get to eat.” I mumbled, “there’s a cafeteria” but I’m sure he didn’t hear me. The car line wrapped around chick-fil-a as we sat in the drive-thru and I labored. I’m not certain, but I think he told the lady at the window that I was having a baby and she was like “what are you doing here?” I could have hallucinated that. I was exhausted. Nathan chowed down as the lovely smell of chick-fil-a filled the car. He had now eaten three times since I had and that was not going over well with me.

When we arrived on the 3rd floor of the hospital, the check-in lady made me sit down and wait while she did seemingly nothing. She must have been clued into the casualness of this event from Nathan. About that time Dr. Tarter exited the triage room and I told Nathan who she was. Nathan called for her and she spun around and looked alarmed “Are you the Browns???!!!” We nodded. She asked where we’d been because Dr. Hamilton had called an hour ago and a room was waiting for us. I sardonically said with over ennunciation “Chick-fil-a” as I implicated Nathan’s guilt with my eyes rolled toward him. She told us not to wait there, to come with her and I was relieved that finally here was some people who realized the seriousness of the matter at hand.

In the room, I was told to change into a gown and Nathan asked if we could take some pictures. I remember feeling like I wanted to strangle him with my bare hands. The nurse said she would help him and I smiled for the camera. Once in my gown, I got in the bed and action began to happen. As I was hooked up to all manner of monitors, Nathan set up his mobile command unit. He took my hospital bed table and put the phone on it, his computer, and spread out some work and grad school papers. After defining his work space, he began to make phone calls. One would think these calls would consist of “This is Nate, Nancy’s having the baby.” But no, he was working and I was even more annoyed but luckily for him, I was also too tired and in too much pain from the continual contractions that I couldn’t even bother to mouth off to him. Dr. Tarter checked me again and said "Your 5 cm. Your supposed to have a big baby but since you've only gained 19 pounds, we don't think that could be accurate."

Then, my aunt Joanna, my uncle Fred and my cousin Katie came in to my surprise and said that my mother had called from the road and she would be here in about 45 minutes. They talked and I contracted. They laughed and looked so smugly comfortable that I secretly wished muscle spasms on them all. When at loooong last, the anesthesiologist entered with some sweet relief in the form of an epidural. The needle going in hurt less than the position I had to assume to get it in. Suddenly, I felt relaxed and serene. I slept comfortably which lightened my mood considerably. Next my parents arrived and the party began. Yes, there was a party going on in my room and I was not involved in it. No one seemed to notice that I was having a baby and I was pretty tired of it. Where was my doctor? How many wires/tubes/monitors can they stick up in you and shouldn’t they clear that path for the baby?

At 5 p.m.(24 hours), I was told that Dr. Hamilton would be there soon to break my water; because of the baby’s size, he didn’t want anyone else to do it. An interesting note, he had been a large animal vet before back problems sent him back to med school. I found that information oddly comforting. As promised, he showed up and broke my water and we waited for a couple more hours through contractions that were so strong, I could feel them despite the epidural. I was more tired than I had ever been in my life and I seriously doubted I had the energy or strength to push should the time come.

I knew the inevitable was coming. I had been laboring for more than 24 hours and making no progress. The baby was too big to come out. Sure enough, Dr. Hamilton came in at 7:30 (27 hours) and gently suggested that now was the time to consider a c-section. I was disappointed, it showed and Dr. Hamilton empathetically said “oh, I see you’re disappointed.” I nodded but I was but I was more than ready for this little baby to get on out.

Then suddenly, from the dark recesses of the room, Nathan woke up. He suddenly became fully aware that I was having a baby and it was not going well at this point. Though I had already nodded in consent to the c-section, Nathan said we needed to talk about it. The door cracked, and like a cartoon, four heads poked through. descending down the crease. Dr. Hamilton calmly smiled and said “they need to talk for a minute.” The heads and Dr. Hamilton disappeared. Only my nurse remained. Nathan, who had basically conducted business from my bedside was now 100 percent in the moment. He was scared and if you know him, you know he doesn’t hide his emotions well. I was not scared but relieved that this whole thing might be over. The nurse was encouraging and explained that it was the only way, my pitosin was as high as it could go, the baby wasn’t progressing, they don’t cut your abdomen muscles, just separate them with a vice, and it would all be okay. Nathan agreed it would have to be this way.

Dr. Hamilton cracked the door and I said “I’m ready,” and a whole team of doctors and nurses flooded into the room to prepare me for surgery. The two anesthesiologists were young women, one from Poland and one from Germany. Both had thick accents and one had really heavy perfume. They chatted to each other in such a calm way and informed me of each movement going on that it didn’t seem so threatening. Everyone was in masks, the curtain was put up just under my arms, which were strapped to the table. The nice girls explained that sometimes women have an urge to reach down and you can’t do that so not to worry. I didn’t. I was on some really good, calming, life affirming drugs at this point and worry was not even in my vocabulary. They said, we need to tilt you to the left, but you won’t fall off. Okay. I was tilted to the right. Hmmm. Maybe it was the drugs. Dr Hamilton: “why is she to the right?” Aha! Tilted to the left. “I feel warm water?” “Oh, they are just preparing the incision site. “ Okay.

In walks Nathan. He looked green. Literally. His face was green like green tea. He also looked nauseated. I said “Oh, did you see them cut me?” He shook his head no. The drugs made me want to turn my head to the right. It felt so good to turn my head to the right and basically sleep. I was so relaxed. Nathan, sitting on my left, asked “can you turn your head and look at me?” No. I was not so out of it that I forgotten his earlier and persistent lighthearted approach to me having a baby. That’s when he started singing hymns. I distinctly remember thinking “I wish he’d just be quiet so I can relax but how do you tell him not to sing hymns?”

“Mrs. Brown, your going to feel some hard pushing on your belly. It might be uncomfortable.” Pushing. Pushing. Wiggly feeling. Crying. First deep breath in 6 months. “8:22” “It’s a girl” “You need to go back to anatomy class” “Sorry, it’s a boy - oh yeah, he’s peeing all over the place” Laughter. They held his bloody, mucous covered head over the drape. Smile. “He’s still peeing!” More laughter. The hymn singing had stopped and Nathan had vanished. “Uh, I think I’m going to throw up.” “That’s okay. Go ahead.” “Just right here?” “We have a bowl for you.” Throw up basically nothing. Rest. No contractions. Rest more.

Nathan appeared from no where, his face stained with tears, and his feet not touching the ground, holding his son in his arms to show me. He was funny looking but in a beautiful way. He left to go show all the waiting family . I was wheeled into recovery where the nurse congratulated me and talked about how cute and big he was. She showed me his footprint. Others began to filter in to the recovery area to congratulate me and wish me well. Nathan showed up with a necklace from Tiffany’s which made him easier to forgive.

Carter Nathan Charles
8:22 p.m. 10 lbs 22 inches
April 2, 2008 HAPPY 5TH BIRTHDAY, CARTER!
You will always be my baby.