The Sons of Thunder and the Lightening Bolt?

It's a girl. Yep, that is what I said: IT is a GIRL. But let me go back to the beginning, that will be better.

About 4 months ago, I got this nagging feeling that I just might be pregnant. The chance really seemed pretty slim. When you know what all has to go just exactly right to actually get pregnant to begin with, it seems amazing anyone gets pregnant ever. I have friends, many friends who try for months to get pregnant, and it always seems that if I ever get lax and let opportunity knock, I'm pregnant. But I suppose we each have our crosses to bear. So, I had this nagging feeling. I kept having these rational conversations with myself - wait, can one have a ration conversation with one's self? That seems the opposite of rational, right? Anyway, I would say "you are NOT pregnant. Just relax. Everything is just normal. You don't have any particular pregnancy symptoms. You're just hysterical." I kind of thought it was because I had some oral surgery scheduled. Every time I have some dental event, I turn out to be pregnant and it turns into a big ordeal. So, I really thought I was just over-reacting to that.

I tried to keep myself busy and laughing it up with others to distract myself from the ticking clock in the back of my mind. You can take a pregnancy test in 5 days...4 days...3 days.... I was at my friend Karen's Pampered Chef party laughing it up on the outside but actually panicking on the inside. As I left her house, I knew that I had to get the test that night and take it in the morning because I had to give the Oral Surgeon 24 hours notice. I'd be taking the test early in the scheme of things, which isn't optimal, but to ease my conscience, it had to be done. I nearly hyperventilated paying for it.

The next morning I awoke after a tumultuous night of sleep. I couldn't wait any longer. I marched into the bathroom. I needed it to say negative so I could have my oral surgery and move on. I had been telling everyone it was pretty clear to us that God had only planned on us having two children. Occasionally, I wavered in the very deepest dark depths of my mind. I would think about another child kind of romantically. But after a while, I felt strongly that our time for new children was over. Maybe God wanted us to adopt...hey! There you go! So, this test had to come out negative because that's the way God was leading, right?

Two minutes later - no make that 30 seconds later the bright red lines glowing on a stick let me know where God was really leading. I'm not sure the word "shocked" is the accurate enough, but for now, it will do. I was not excited, I knew that. I felt betrayed and tricked. And guilty for not being excited and elated. And there was poor Nate awakened early by an insane wife, only to find her having a nervous breakdown simultaneously with a panic attack. He tried to soothe me but I just couldn't be reasoned with. I called the OB's office as soon as the switchboard would pick up; she laughed at my ranting about "how could this be true? these tests have to have some margin for error, right?" Seriously, she laughed. She was kind though and congratulated me which made me feel even more guilty. I didn't really feel like being congratulated but condoled. I spoke to the oral surgeon who naturally postponed the procedure. Great, my life was going to be put on hold again. I'm sure you are picking up on how selfish I am. It didn't escape me either which piled on a few more pounds of guilt. Babies are blessings, what is wrong with me?

The symptoms started falling in line - horrible nausea and paralyzing fatigue. I was pretty sure I could psychosomatically give myself symptoms, so those weren't really that convincing. I took another test just to be sure. It was still positive. I wallowed in my guilt and physical decline. Then I talked to my friend Emily. She had been in on this whole ordeal from the very beginning - and I mean from the time when I just sort of thought it could be a possibility. She didn't give me any Pollyanna sunshine "Children are a blessing" line of pep talk. Instead, she said "Well of course your not excited. I think that's pretty natural. You've had two stressful pregnancies with complications and miscarriages. And now you're pregnant again when you thought you were moving out of that phase. Sure you're scared. I'll just pray that God changes your heart and He will." At that moment, a whole world of guilt lifted off my shoulders and I realized I was scared. Pregnancy is not a condition a girl has much control over. There is really precious little you can do, most of it is happening while you go about your daily life despite you. Also at this time, I thought, "If God has allowed you to get pregnant, it is for his own good reasons. If those reasons are to have another miscarriage, okay. If it's to have another healthy baby despite some complications, okay. It's just 9 months."

That sounds spiritually strong, but I continued to worry. I've never been much of a worrier, but it's amazing what children bring out in you! I was and am continually handing this over to God, which seems redundant because as I've already pointed out, I don't' have much control over this situation in the first place.

My sons of thunder are super excited to have another baby on the way. Carter really wanted another sibling and really wanted a girl. So, in truth, I blame a lot of this on him. He tells me often he loves me but not nearly as much as he loves God, and I believe him. I think God listens to his prayers and delights in answer yes to them. Carter wanted a baby sister. Even though he thought it would probably be a boy, he would still rather it be a sister.

So, yesterday, after the a/c went out in our house, a leak in the upstairs bathroom caused a deluge to drain through the living room ceiling fan, and my mother became rather ill, I managed to make it, with my sons and husband to my OB's office for the gender revealing ultrasound. Going in, I was mostly concerned about how the baby was - brain, heart, umbilical cord, kidneys, arms, legs, hands, feet, face. The lady said everything looked good. And now the moment of truth. Except, the baby had it's hand covering the important part. She shook my belly a little to get the baby to move. And AHA! It's a girl!

Wait, what?! Nathan said "how does that tell you it's a girl?" She showed us and added "and there's no penis there - so that's a girl." Nathan asked for a percentage of assurance. She said "I never say 100% but I have two girls and they both looked just like that" pointing at the image. Carter was elated. A sister. Just what he wanted. He had talked to my belly at the beach and listened for a response; "it's a girl" he told me then.

Nathan and I sort of just took in the information, rather in shock. Like this whole pregnancy, everything is a surprise. I thought Nathan was going to be overjoyed to have a baby girl, but he really seemed to be like me; what are we going to do with a girl? What do you do with a girl? Sometimes they seem like a lot of fun but other times they seem like a lot of work.

So, once the boys went to bed after a long evening of meetings and a/c repairmen and wet/dry vacuuming, I said to Nathan "this girl might be just like Susanna. As long as I can remember her - back to when she was in 1st grade, she has always seemed to be the sweetest girl. Maybe she did "mark" this baby as they say in the mountains. Maybe she marked her with her nurturing grace and maturity?" He smiled from ear to ear. Then I smiled and said "Or MAYBE she'll be like Mia! No ballet for her - straight into basketball at VBS - always a smile on her face, friendly, wearing the red power ranger costume - leader of the pack -performing to the exit lights!" He laughed out loud and said "Yeah! Either way."

Exactly, either way.