It's been a very long time since I've posted. Every time I brought up the last post, I suddenly lost the words. The last blog was about finding out our baby's gender, and all the chaos that preceded it. It was about the last day my mother was ever in my house. The last full day she was alive outside a hospital. I look back at it and must admit, I was frustrated, worried, harried, and scared. I have looked back on that day with regret - I should have been more attentive to my mother and no so concerned with getting to the doctor's office on time. I should have not been consumed with the ultrasound and the baby's umbilical cord that day. I have not liked to think about that day or look at that post.
There have been many wonderful things I could have written about: the wonderful things our boys have said and done, the birth of our daughter, tall tales I've heard, etc. But, the primary audience isn't around to read them any more. Mother used to read each entry and print it out and keep it in a notebook. She loved her grandsons more than anything - even more than Kentucky basketball - and that my friends, is a lot! She really wanted a granddaughter. Now, I wouldn't tell the boys this, but she was hoping either one of them had been a girl. So, that day, when we found out little #3 was a girl, I was so excited to tell her. I knew she would be thrilled. The only problem was that she was too ill to really process it that day. She went on home to Harlan, she was admitted to the hospital, and there for a couple of days, she was herself. One of the last things she was able to say to me was, "I can't wait to see that baby. Oh I hope she looks like you."
I often tell Arabella, "Oh your Mimi would have loved to see you smile." One time, Carter was next to me and he said, "Well, I guess, we will all die someday and then, uh...." I saw tears filling his eyes and I said with a smile "We'll go to heave and see Mimi again!" He smiled and agreed. Sporadically, Will would ask "Where is Mimi? Why doesn't she live with Papa any more? Are we going to go see her at the hospital?" I explained that she had gone to heaven to live with Jesus and we'd see here there some day. It took him a few times to understand he wouldn't see Mimi again until then. I didn't mind him asking; I was glad he remembered her.
Well, just yesterday, Will asked his daddy with a giggle, "Do you remember when Mimi made it rain in the living room?!" Nathan laughed along with him and they agreed that was "crazy!" I knew it was time for me to stop worrying about that day and regretting it. Move forward because Mother would have. I don't know how much of my life my mother knows about up there in heaven. I'm relatively sure they don't have access to the internet. But, I'm good at pretending and I'll just keep on going like my primary aundience is still logging in to find out what crazy things her grandchildren are up to today. And she'll love those pictures of Arabella and Patrick Patterson - he was her favorite.
I often find myself thinking of her as like Moses, she was shown the Promised Land and then taken to be with the Lord.
