Idle Hands are the Devils Playthings

Yesterday at lunch, Carter was so charming and wonderful, Nathan pulled out the video recorder to capture his lectures on healthy living. He had been exercising, asked specifically for spinach to be like "Pie-o" (that's Popeye to you and me) and wanted to drink water because its so good for you. We talked about how cheese was good for his bones and cooked tomatoes are good for the heart. He, then, said "You know what's even better for the heart?" I really thought he was going to say God, but to my surprise, he stood up and gave me a hug and kiss. That was good for my heart. As Nathan rolled in for lunch, Carter was still midst his discussion on exercise and how sometimes he even makes up new exercises all by himself. Nathan and I were both proud and enchanted by our son.

Will, meanwhile, was sleeping and sleeping. He took a monster nap which must mean he's growing something. Probably his feet. This kid's feet seem so huge to me. Carter's feet were and are wide, but Will's feet seem to grow exponentially daily. Maybe they just look big because he's so skinny. So, Will woke up long after Carter's new commitment to healthy living. He had to be hungry because he hadn't eaten anything at all since breakfast, so I fixed for him a soynut butter and jelly sandwich. Carter retreated to his room where he produced sounds of a boy at play. I chose this time to download some sermons on the computer. I walked into the living room several times to check on progress; Will was slowly consuming his sandwich and Carter was in and out. Nothing seemed awry.

I called Nathan to talk about a walk to the grocery and supper menu. He was on his way home soon, so I finished up the downloading and began picking up the toys strewn across the floor. That's when I heard it. Will coughed. Carter was standing there in front of me and Will was upstairs and I heard the distinctive pre-regurgitation cough. I spun around and demanded from Carter "WHAT IS HE EATING?" The shock on Carter's face was instant. He stood dumbfounded. Again, in a loud, stern voice, I commanded "TELL ME! DID YOU GIVE YOUR BROTHER SOMETHING TO EAT?!" He stuttered and acted like he was thinking. I quickly and succinctly reminded him that Will can't eat just anything. I was hoping behind all my bravado that Will just coughed because he needed to cough. Realizing that the punishment he would receive was small in comparison to his brother's life, he took me upstairs and showed me the card of Santa Claus cupcake decorations. I don't know where these came from. I had never seen them before, but the card was empty. I would never buy them because I don't like little, colored bits of hardened sugar, so I'm not sure how these got into our house. I immediately looked for the ingredients and was alarmed to find that these are not just sugar, they are egg whites and sugar. Will is allergic to eggs.

I scooped Will up and he was not acting disturbed but demonstrated that something wasn't right in his mouth. I could see a splotch or two and grabbed the Benadryl. I knew he was going to throw it up, but it wouldn't hurt anything. And it might just help. Will loves the benadryl, so it was no trouble getting him to take the medicine. In a matter of minutes the 2 - 3 splotches were gone but I knew he was still going to throw up. That made me upset on several levels. First, he hadn't had much to eat and I knew his entire lunch was about to go. This also meant that we couldn't feed him too much afterwards because his tummy might be sensitive for awhile. Daily, I worry about getting enough fat into Will's diet despite the allergy restrictions. Second, it would have to be cleaned up and vomit is not fun to clean up. And thirdly, Will was going to be momentarily uncomfortable. Strangely, he was beginning to act normally. Maybe he wouldn't throw up after all.

Nathan arrived home about this time and I apprised him of the situation. He was livid. He bounded upstairs with Carter and discovered the hidden cache of candy our thieving son had stockpiled in and around his room. One of the items was perplexing: it had been on top of the refrigerator. How had he gotten that? Nathan required that he explain. Carter took him to the kitchen and demonstrated how he figured out how to climb up the drawer handles, onto the counter, to reach the top of the fridge. Nathan and I were overcome by shock, sadness, and dismay. He clearly knew he was doing something wrong because he was hiding it. He was sophisticated enough to ask for a treat occasionally to keep up the appearance that he was following the rules. Nathan called him a chocoholic kleptomaniac. Our son is a criminal.

That is when we began the lecturing phase of our punishment. Carter received a full and vivid description of the implications of his actions. The theft. The lying. The disobedience. The poisoning of the brother. He appeared to be duly sad and cried and prayed for God and us to forgive him and help him to control his evil ways. As we were transitioning into the corporal punishment phase, Will threw up. Carter was put on hold as the living room was cleaned up and hosed down. It took forever. As we shifted our attention back to the perp, Will threw up again. I had told Nathan he would throw up twice. He did. We took Will to the bathtub and Carter followed where he would receive phase two punishment. He did not take it willingly but got it and then took a bath as well. We then entered phase three, solitary confinement. He was escorted to his cell, uhm, room and Nathan and I began gathering the stockpile and putting away toys. The unfortunate thing is that as we cleaned Will's room, we found MORE! It was an open chocolate bar that had been processed in a plant that also processes nuts. Thus Nathan lectured more about Carter's greed, deception, and carelessness.

The villain was confined to his room for the rest of the night. I didn't feel so badly that he didn't get any supper because I got the feeling he'd already eaten enough candy to carry him through. Will cleared up quickly and assertively expressed his desire for more food. After some allergy free chicken, teeth were brushed by the head warden, and lights were turned out.

I feel like a failure. I have let down my two sons. Nathan tried to assure me that Carter is sneaky and not to be trusted. Our house was purged of everything candy-like. That's probably for the best anyway. I should have noticed that cookies and candies were disappearing. I should have recognized that when Carter was caught sneaking food at his Mimi and Papa's, he was probably doing it at home. I wonder if there is some kind of ankle-shackle-monitoring system I can attach to him. He'd probably just outsmart it. I tried to figure out how to take these qualities and hone them into something positive. The only suggestion Nathan offered was "Well, if we ever need someone to help us stockpile food...." Clearly, he didn't understand me.

Though neither of us felt like Carter was duly remorseful, we hoped it was because of his youthful optimism; he wanted to move forward. Unfortunately, we just caught him again. We put Will's Poptarts on the refrigerator and Carter climbed up and stole them. He is currently in Phase 3 again, after having an abbreviated Phase 1 and an multiplied Phase 2. I'm exhausted and need to go into Phase 3 myself. Alas, the loud crying from Phase 2 woke up Will. I expressed how confounded I was because I have tried to stay in the same room with the boys all day. I lapsed into house cleaning duty and that must be when it happened. Nathan says it's not my fault, but I can't help but believe it partially is. This is my job and these little souls are my responsibility.

The one tricky part of parenting is that it seems to be constant on the job training. There is no operations manual, but how could there ever be? No two children are alike. Separate situations rarely match up. There are few typical days. Some days are like vacation. Some days are like war. A lot of days are somewhere in between with varying degrees of peace and tension. I am starting to understand why Nathan and his brothers moved rocks around the yard for a couple of hours every morning.